Hi, my name is Roger and I'm a dog. I just wanted to take a few moments here to let you know about one of the less-considered aspects of grunge, and that is the effect it has on us dogs. You see, every day, at least twice a day, and sometimes more, we dogs have to go outside. In public. With our owners. Every morning, I dread watching my owner get dressed. I keep praying that he'll put on a nice white dress shirt and a decent pair of slacks, but almost always, he throws on a t-shirt and jeans and hauls me outside to be embarassed in front of all the other dogs. Sometimes, he doesn't even bother putting on a shirt. Oh, the shame of it. The worst part is that I can't do a thing about it. Yeah, sometimes I feel like lifting my leg next to his, but a helpless dog has to be careful not to offend the one who puts food in his bowl.
Then there's that annual ritual where he takes me in front of the town board for my license renewal. You'd think he'd at least put on a tie for that. All those people on the board, not to mention those in the audience, and he doesn't give a hoot. No, it's jeans and a t-shirt, same as always. One year he just wore sweat pants. Oh, it makes me angry. All I want is for my owner to look just a bit respectable, and he just can't be bothered. What's worse, while I'm a fairly sharp dog, lots of my peers aren't quite that bright. Their owners are setting a bad example for them. I saw one dog wearing sweats just like his owner! I mean, come on-- give us a break.
The worst part of all is when we pass a cat in the street, and the cat just snickers because we look so stupid. I just want to break free of my leash and deck the cat, but all I can do is hang my head in shame at the insensitivity of my owner. If there were such a thing as reincarnation, I wish my owner would come back as a dog so he'd know how it felt to be walked by an improperly dressed blankety-blank.
So, please, if you are a dog owner, have a heart and be kind to your little animal friend. Put on a nice shirt and pants if you're a gentleman, and if you're a lady, please, please get yourself a nice dress to wear while you're walking your dog, which will thump its tail in appreciation and give you a big, warm smile every morning instead of looking downtrodden and grumpy. Take it from one who knows.