Buffalo, NY (ANS) -- Researchers at the Elm Street University here announced startling new findings today that confirm what many scientists had long suspected: that wearing sweat pants increases the probability of death by a significant factor.
In the study, a group of 50 masochists and a group of 50 bricklayers were each dropped from a 50-story building. The masochists were fitted with sweat pants, while the bricklayers were fitted with parachutes. All 50 masochists died of severe injuries sustained on impact, while the bricklayers all landed safely and were dismissed from the experiment uninjured. "This clearly shows beyond a shadow of a doubt the dangers of sweat pants," stated Dr. Tom Bodett, chief researcher at the university. "If the masochists had not been wearing sweat pants, I have absolutely no doubt that they would have survived. The sweat pants added significant weight which caused the masochists to fall faster," he added.
Interviews with the masochists' families confirmed what the researchers discovered. Deidre Muller, widow of Art Muller, said, "I watched my husband as he was falling, and he was definitely heading for the ground at a faster rate than the bricklayer who had started his descent at the same time. I know that the sweat pants did him in; I'll never wear anything like that again, that's for sure." Rachel Vesuvius, mother of the late Ron Vesuvius, also watched as her son crashed to the ground. "I always warned him about sweat pants, but he never listened to me. [He] always said that I worried too much. Now he's gone..." she said.
The preliminary findings of another study also lend credence to the Elm Street research. A team at the First National College of Billings, led by Professor Allison David, has issued a preliminary report which still must be ratified by the full group. In that study, 200 politicians were dressed in sweat pants and thrown from the side of a cruise ship in the Atlantic Ocean, while 200 cab drivers were dressed in wet suits and oxygen tanks and thrown from the same ship into a lifeboat tethered to the side of the ship. All 200 politicians drowned; the cab drivers somehow survived the ordeal. After analyzing the preliminary report, Professor David said, "I have every reason to believe that the sweat pants were the direct cause of death of the politicians. Sweat pants are definitely dangerous."
Finally, the release of the Elm Street findings led to an early leak of the results of an incomplete study being conducted at the Institute of Institutional Research in Helsinki. In this study, 500 elderly patients at a nursing home were dressed in sweat pants instead of normal nursing home garb. After ten years, every single patient was dead. The study is incomplete because the researchers are attempting to repeat the research on a new group of nursing home patients but are having trouble recruiting a sufficient number of volunteers because of the negative experience of the first group. "I don't want to die," said Mildred Swanson, a local nursing home patient with lung cancer who was asked to participate in the experiment.
According to these experts, then, sweat pants present a clear and present danger to those who wear them. As a result, a new group, the Association Against Sweat Pants, has been formed to lobby Congress against this hazardous article of clothing. The president of AASP is Brian Allen. "I intend to take every possible step to insure that sweat pants are banned as soon as possible in the United States. I also plan to work for legislation that would ban their export to foreign countries. We should not be taking advantage of unsuspecting folks from the poorer areas of the world," Mr. Allen said in a recent speech to a group of trees in the Arcadia National Forest.
Meanwhile, many consumers now want to be certain that they are not wearing sweat pants, and they have found that it is not really difficult. All sweat pants manufactured for sale in the United States bear a label on the inside of the right leg which reads "SWEAT PANTS," followed by the year of manufacture and the name of the baker who mixed the dough for them. However, some illegally imported sweat pants have a label in another language which consumers in the United States may not be able to decipher. The Cooperative Extension Service has implemented a hotline that garment wearers can call to translate such labels into English so that they can determine if the article of clothing in question is in fact a pair of sweat pants. The number to call is 1-900-NO-SWEAT. Trained operators take the calls and help people to avoid this grave danger to health.